Monday, July 23, 2007
Pain in the Butt
Stop reading right now if you are squeamish.
No really; I mean it.
Among all the other things I have to deal with as a perpetual patient (the appointments, the scans, the procedures, the nasty medications, the fingernail issues, the baldness, the skin problems, the indigestion, the nosebleeds--not to mention the ire of coworkers as I burn through sick time and miss work), I now have to deal with the indignity of not being able to sit.
I am not talking about mild discomfort that can occur as described by commercials for Tucks medicated wipes; this is not "itching and burning." It is agonizing pain, fear of having to have a bowel movement, becoming light-headed and faint in the bathroom, and having trouble walking. Over the counter remedies are not helping. Preparation H hasn't helped; using suppositories feels like I'm stuffing broken crayons into my bum, which then hurts; anything with witch hazel burns like a mofo (that's short for "motherfucker," in case you don't know); the Fleets pads Brian bought me help very slightly on the external areas but do nothing for the internal agony.
I scheduled an appointment to see the doctor today (which certainly didn't help me over the weekend) and am terrified to go--what kind of procedure will she do to verify that I'm in pain? How badly is it going to hurt?
Also, I have a CT scan scheduled for tomorrow and am terrified of what it will be like when the barium decides to leave my body all at once. I called and left a message for Lita: can the scan be rescheduled? Do I really have to do it tomorrow?
It isn't enough that I have to suffer from one of the scariest diseases on the planet (I have to say I actually think ebola is more frightening, but I digress), but now I have to deal with one of the most humiliating conditions as well.
No really; I mean it.
Among all the other things I have to deal with as a perpetual patient (the appointments, the scans, the procedures, the nasty medications, the fingernail issues, the baldness, the skin problems, the indigestion, the nosebleeds--not to mention the ire of coworkers as I burn through sick time and miss work), I now have to deal with the indignity of not being able to sit.
I am not talking about mild discomfort that can occur as described by commercials for Tucks medicated wipes; this is not "itching and burning." It is agonizing pain, fear of having to have a bowel movement, becoming light-headed and faint in the bathroom, and having trouble walking. Over the counter remedies are not helping. Preparation H hasn't helped; using suppositories feels like I'm stuffing broken crayons into my bum, which then hurts; anything with witch hazel burns like a mofo (that's short for "motherfucker," in case you don't know); the Fleets pads Brian bought me help very slightly on the external areas but do nothing for the internal agony.
I scheduled an appointment to see the doctor today (which certainly didn't help me over the weekend) and am terrified to go--what kind of procedure will she do to verify that I'm in pain? How badly is it going to hurt?
Also, I have a CT scan scheduled for tomorrow and am terrified of what it will be like when the barium decides to leave my body all at once. I called and left a message for Lita: can the scan be rescheduled? Do I really have to do it tomorrow?
It isn't enough that I have to suffer from one of the scariest diseases on the planet (I have to say I actually think ebola is more frightening, but I digress), but now I have to deal with one of the most humiliating conditions as well.
Labels: Brian, hemorrhoids, Lita
