Janet's Blog

Flat shoes, muscle relaxants, stick-on heat patches, ice, ben-gay, anti-inflammatories and two months of physical therapy (including a home exercise regimen of stretching and core strengthening) have failed to help the butt pain I've been experiencing for the past five and a half months. I now walk like Igor and wonder if perhaps I should bring the master some brains. The motorized scooters at the grocery store look awfully inviting. Carrying laundry is out of the question; luckily I can order underwear online and have it delivered to my home. At this point I am willing to try anything...

I dragged my sorry ass (literally) to a specialist yesterday who deals in pain management and physical rehabilitative something-or-other, who poked and prodded me, then declared "Piriformis Syndrome," which he can treat by injecting a giant needle into my buttock and delivering anesthetic directly to the piriformis muscle. It's partly diagnostic; if I get up from the procedure and am able to walk without pain, we will know that it's the piriformis giving me trouble. I will be briefly free from pain and will be able to stretch and do the exercises to "stabilize" the area.

If the pain comes back, he can do a similar procedure with Botox, which will paralyze the muscle and provide a longer window of opportunity for recovery. My butt will be pain--and wrinkle--free.

I thought the nipple-tattooing was going to be the weirdest medical procedure I'd ever experience, but this is certainly up there. Or down there, rather. You know what I mean.

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